The Everyday Superpower of Empathy

The Art of Validation

We don't like sympathy.

Nobody wants other people to feel sorry for them.

On the other hand, we crave empathy.

We want to be understood and we naturally gravitate to the people who do.

All around you, everyday people are asking - begging for empathy and validation and there is a good chance you don’t notice it. Heck - the other person probably won’t even know they were asking for it.

Sadly, if you are like me, even when you get the sense the other person is asking for help there is a very good chance that what you say is the exact opposite of what you should.

The real tragedy is that it is so easy to empathize and validate once you learn to identify what those requests look like. You’ll even start to notice when you ask for it. (It happens more than you think.)

Full disclosure: I don’t like talking about my feelings or anyone else’s for that matter. I actively avoid any such conversation, and I’ve always considered "validating other people" to be a bunch of hippy-dippy baloney.

That is why I love this approach. It is like performing routine maintenance on your relationships so they don’t fall apart on the side of the road and you’re stuck having to deal with a big problem.

You don't have to agree (or really even care), to validate how someone is feeling, you just have to understand. It is an everyday superpower that will help you in every aspect of your life.

Why You Should Validate

1. It helps people get over negative emotions much faster than my standard go-to of "toughen up" or "don't worry about it."

2. It provides a way you can always help and support someone - even when you have no idea how to fix their problem.

3. It avoids arguments by helping the other person stay calm so you both can think rationally.

4. It makes people more willing to take your advice - since people usually don't take advice from someone who doesn't understand them.

5. It makes others happier. Validating isn't just used for negative emotions. You can and should validate success and happiness to boost others’ positive feelings.

6. It will make you an all-around more likable person with stronger, longer, and happier relationships.

Alright - I hope you are sold on it.

So here are the 4 steps on how to do it right:

Step 1: Identify The Other Person's Emotions

(We aren’t going to talk about their feelings - we just want to identify them.)

1. Give the person your full attention - turn off or put down all distractions. (This is just good social hygiene.)

2. Be curious - ask questions.

3. Get observant. Don't just listen - pay attention to their body language and facial expressions.

4. When appropriate - match their energy and mirror their behavior.

Step 2: Validate The Emotions

1. Name the other person’s emotions. This is especially critical if you disagree with the person. They need to know you are trying to hear them. If you didn’t figure out how they feel in Step 1 then just ask.

2. Give at least one reason why that feeling is understandable.

3. Avoid the natural tendency to invalidate feelings:

   • It could be worse.

   • Toughen up.

   • You'll be fine.

   • Well, at least you still...

Here is a quick example of how to validate:

Comment: I'm worried I'll get rejected.

Invalidating: Don't be. You'll be fine.

Validating: It's normal to be worried, getting rejected is hard. Is there something specific you are worried about?

Do you see how easy that is! You just name the emotion, justify it, and then move on.

Step 3: Offer Advice (Optional)

1. Don't offer advice or feedback unless they ask for it.

2. If they don't ask, but you are dying to give advice - then ask if you can.

3. Before giving advice validate again and then follow it with "and...". Don't accidentally invalidate by starting your advice with "but".

4. If you accidentally give advice without permission then just apologize. A simple, "Sorry, I just gave you some advice you didn't ask for," should do the trick.

Step 4: Validate Again

1. It's redundant - but it will end the conversation on a high note.

2. If the person shared something very personal be sure to thank them for opening up and then validate the fear they must have had sharing that with someone.

I wish helping people bury their feelings worked - I really do. But the truth is people get over negative emotions much faster when they understand why they feel them. Our brains want to understand them so we can avoid them. It is easier to ignore a piece of meat stuck in between your tooth than a negative feeling.

As you get better at this you’ll start to notice when you are asking for validation. If you don’t have someone in your life who does this for you then you can coach someone. Start your conversation with, "I just need to vent right now and I'm not looking for feedback or solutions, is that ok?"

Remember to validate positive emotions too as well. It's not just misery that loves company. You want to be someone that people like to share their good news with.

If you like this article please comment and share. If you want to learn more about validation you should check out Michael Sorenson's book I Hear You. It is a quick, entertaining, and useful read.

Keep working on mastering empathy because we are going to need it next week when we learn about using “tactical empathy” in the everyday superpower of negotiation.